eyes open.
unexplainable. full of shit.

eyes closed.
i saw a group of dolls. they are wearing clothes, just like human being. i have a machine gun in my right hand, and a cigarette, marlboro brand in my left hand. i put them in one line, then i shoot their head with my machine gun. continuously, right on their head. until they fly violently apart. i laugh out loud and keep shooting.

i am way too much intoxicated right now. intoxicated with the result from everything that i'm trying to do. overwhelmed is the word.

if there is a single day that allows people to kill, i'll stand up in the front line and wear a "shoot my head, i'll give u cookies" shirt.

i really want to kill someone. someone whose doesn't breath, n doesn't have life. i want to kill the dead. so i can break him apart without feeling guilty.

just something.. i want to do something different. big or small, i don't care. i just want to do something. im depressed.

men are not perfect. they will never do. and you will never been perfect too. but its just you who cannot accept the reality. this is not a wonderland. this is earth. and this earth is full of shit.

eyes open again.
i better find something to kill.

Works..Tests. Assignments, facebook.. Games. Smoke.

I do think that I had a pretty good start in my third sem as a pre-law student. I went to class, chat with my friend.. Do my homework.. And recently, I had my facebook, which I heavily involved with for the past few days. I also somehow find myself as an SPR member.

I am trying to be "okay" with everyone.. Even that the fact, I really want to slap their butt with my broken termos.. Am I turning hypocrite?

I enjoy fooling around with my friends through facebook. But, just for few days. Then I started to feel bored again. Feel like I have an incomplete job that have to be done, and at the same time feel like I have nothing left in here. And at this point, I realize that I should write something in my blog.

I have this strange feeling~that I am gonna die soon.

I know it is stupid, very stupid actually. But I just can let this feeling go away like a blow of fart from fat butt. I feel overwhelmed. Overwhelmed by everything around me.

I used to pray every night before I sleep. I pray for my mum, my dad, my siblings.. And to ALL my friends without considering their color and religion. I also pray for the dead, and for everyone. I mean, everyone in this world. Including my greatest enemy (if I had any). I said this during my pray, "God, bless us with your kindness. Help us in everything, even in the smallest thing we are working in. Give us the strength, so we can always have the opportunity to complete the incomplete job."

But recently, I am no longer praying for the same. I just make the cross sign, and without saying a word, I close my eyes. Speechless.

Yesterday I went out to CS, and I saw a shop that sells many types of decorations for Christmas. I am considering to buy a small Christmas tree for my self, with a Christmas card too. But then I rejected the idea. I don't want to be looked like someone desperate. I mean, buying gift for myself? How sucks could it be.

Last night I cried. Loudly, screaming. But just in my heart, coz I have this some kind of reputation here.. Like someone who are very strong. Someone who will never cry in his life. Someone who can be trusted for everything. And most of my friends will told me something that they would never told to someone else. Their secrets.. Their weakness. Their problem.

And now I am too tired of everything. I can't even help myself..

And here comes the worst part.

Some girls really interested in knowing me. I mean.. Never mind. I'll keep this for myself. But still, this is the worst part.

Mum, I miss you.. I really wish that you can hear me saying this to you. I wanna drive you to the church where you and dad used to bring us to pray when we are still living under the same roof. I want to take you there, and celebrate Christmas together. I really want to, and I am willing to kill for that. But I just can't.. I can't. Sorry.. My mistakes, this is the worst part. Not the previous problem up there. This is the worst-est.

Merry Christmas to everyone.. may God bless all of us.