I eat. I drink. I sleep. I laugh. I breath. You fart. That sucks.

You know what I'm saying? No, I guess. Well, what I'm trying to say is, life is not as sweet as we thought. Sometimes we have to do things that we hate. Things that we've promised not to do. Things that topping our not-to-do list. Things that'll make you being labelled as criminal. Or jerk. Or buttface. Or whatsoever.

People used to say "we're just ordinary human" when situation like this happened. I thought that is only an excuse. An excuse for being weak and unable to avoid temptations. A thought of someone who think he is too innocent to do mistakes.

So I said to myself, that line is not for me.

I'm a brave man, and a strong one, I'll just kick anything that gets in my way(kick in the butt.. Or balls to be more specific). So there'll be no more temptations, there'll be no more "I'm just an ordinary mortal" excuse. And everything will go as I planned. Easy enough, huh?

Then I learned that it doesnt work in that way. My life tought me that.

I regard myself as Mr. Opinion on Everything. But for now, I don't have any. I am still looking for answer.. Or maybe just an excuse. Just like everyone else.

But as far as I know, this is not the sweetest time to give up.

I live peacefully in a village with hundreds of beautiful girls of mine and suddenly there is a giant come from the cave. Then he gives me The Great Fart from his hairy butt and all the beautiful girls dead. Left only me alone.

I'm not gonna cry(anymore). I'm not gonna sit there and put the blame on God. That idea just not suits me well.

I will looking for the answer. Not from my drawer or my pocket.. Or under the bed.

The world is way bigger than that.

Maybe if i walk to the other side of the world, millions of much more beautiful girls are waiting. Who knows?

Jesus died for me, and I'll live for Him. If I was destined not to be able to get the answer in this life, I still have the afterlife. I just can hope that I'll not find it in hell. That is just.. Too late. Haha.

What am I talking about? Nevermind. And I'm not that virtuous though. Hehe.

Later.

My older brother's home. And that means:
1. I can't take my shower with the door open anymore
2. My friends cannot come here and enjoy football macth together (EPL is over however)
3. I have to share the wifi connection that I stole from my neighbour with him
4. I can't sing while taking shower (I'm shy,you know)
5. I can't scream or punch the door whenever I'm boring or turn crazy (yeah,once again,I'm a shy guy)

But.. There's more than just that, actually. I f you know what I mean. He is my older brother. And we didn't live in the same place that we call "home" for many years of our life. But still, still.. He is my brother. Maybe I never do anything so-called BIG things(replace *things* with any other suitable word.. My english sucks) to comfort him. Actually I think I never do to any of my family members.. Haha. yeah, I'm the black ship. The faggot. Just now I showed him the page that I joined earlier.. The "Edward Cullen is Ugly" group on facebook. Haha..

And here it comes. The bad thing. You should've knew that I'm just writing on my blog if I was struck by the big-fart-of-the-satan. That means I'm stress. Huh. I'm kinda a person who has multiple personality.. Like Jekyll and Hyde maybe? Damn, I thikn I jsut spelllee it wronge. Haha.

Back to the main point. The "Edward Cullen is Ugly" on facebook. Something just..happened because of that. And even I regard my blog as a place,or maybe as a friend to release the faggot inside me, it's not really my style to write it in details. That's not cool. It's kinda "help, I'm in troble, please read my blog and ask me whether I'm okay or not. Anyone,please??". And that is one of the reason why I don't have many followers.. I never ask people to follow my blog.

But yes, I do have a problem. Now. And it's still not over yet. It's far from over. And yes, I do crying. Hey, even a superman will cry, don't he?

And now I try to be okay. Pretending, maybe. I don't really care. What I want the most, is.. Be happy. Owh, I know it. I sound like a retard. But don't you read my warning on the above? I said this page is only for retard, fool!!

Hah.. So now I am happy. I try to remind myself.. THIS IS LIFE, THIS IS NOT A LEGO SET. *but why lego??* I want to live a happy life.. And I am very sure everyone is wishing the same. So people, let's work on it. Leave behind your sadness, throw away your desperation, and raise your happy hands up high.. And we scream together "I AM HAPPY TO BE WHAT I AM!!". Well.. You can forget about raising your hands up I guess.. That doesn't look cool. Haha.

I've lost enough in my life.. I've lost my batman toy. I've lost my teeth (when I was 4), I've lost my underwear when I went swimming with my cousins many years ago. I've lost my dignity when I was kicked out(intentionally) from Matriculation College. I've lost my life after that.. And I've lost my love too.

But remember, everyone'll lose something in their life. And it's not that something that counted.. It's about how strong we are to get better.

I don't want to be a weakling.. That's not cool. What about you?

For the first time, I would like to thank my blog.


Later.

I've left Kedah. I've left UiTM. But in approximately 3months later, I will be back at Selangor. I managed to get a pretty-not-bad result, so I can continue my study in law for degree.

I learned that today, in the morning. Despite getting just enough pointer to get my ass in the degree study, I was happy. Because I know that I don't really working on my study during my time at Kedah. Thank God, I'm qualified. I'm awesome.

Then moments later, I started to forget about it. The degree, pointer stuff. I watched an NBA Regular Season, LA Lakers vs Denver Nuggets which saw my favourite team wins the game. The Nuggets wins, and actually both of them are my favourites. But I like Lakers more. So I'm like, I'll play basketball today. This evening. That NBA match really fire me up.

4.40pm, I went to the basketball court. I played with this unknown beardy man (I don't really care about him), and he is quite good at shooting the ball. He asked me to have a one-on-one 3pointer match with him. The rule is; who can shoot the greatest number of 3point shot in a row wins. I shoot 11 in a row, and he got 2. Guess who wins?

I know it is pretty silly, but I'm still happy. I cheep an unknown song during my way back to home; as a sign that I'm turning happy and silly. And green too.

The plan is; I'll take a shower, cook some good meal, eat, MSN chat, then sleep. That's perfect for me.

When I reached my house, I turned on my laptop and login my facebook account. There is where all of this fucking stuff happened. I just.. saw something that I guess I better not to. Something that makes my butt itchy and losing my head. And if I was right, it shouldn't be just like that. It should be more. I got some logical ideas that contribute to the thought of "yeah, I think I was right". So, I took the simplest way~deactivate my account.

Yup, I got it. Whoever read this will not understand what I'm saying. But never mind, I'm just trying to release my tension. So it doesn't really matter for you to comprehend my words.

When I get myself in this situation, I always try to recall some funny scenes in the movies. I don't know why, but it works for me. I'll divert my attention to the silly matters, so I don't have to think about the un-fucking-forgivable thing that happened just now.

The guy in the movie told his friend, "I'm so bored. Lets get a girl". Then his friend answered, "Bored? So lets fuck a mailbox". I won't tell you what movie it is.

I laughed my shit out. How am I gonna fuck a mailbox? Is it even possible?

I'm just.. Pushing myself too much. I'm tired. And I feel lonely. I need someone in this house.

Later.

8 days before the final examination, and the only thing I know is nothing. But I have no intention to talk about it.

Last night was.. Unexplainable. I had this unspeakable, unexplainable, and.. Fuck. I have no idea how to describe it. I had a dream, about Wanie.

In all of sudden, I found myself in a room, sitting tightly with Wanie beside me. Its weird.. I was suddenly switched into the mute mode, the silent mode. I can't say a thing. She smiled, and I was.. Yup. Once again, I cannot describe it.

She hold my hand, my right hand. She said that I don't have to worry now, because she is fine. And she is very happy with her life now. So let her go, and just concentrate in my own life now..

For me, this is the end. Everyday, everytime, I always worried about her.. She is a girl which is made with the finest touch, and a girl who has the brightest heart in this world. And ever since we stop seeing each other, I always, I mean, everyday worried about her. Because I am very happy with my own life now, eventhough I am still as sucks as ever. Eventhough I am still stupid, or maybe even more stupid than ever. But the point is, I already found what I want. And at the same time, having the most precious "thing" in the world.. I want her to taste the same feeling as I do. That's why I always thinking about her.

Wanie, if you do read my stupid post.. I just want to say sorry.. I should have done better. But I believe you know me really well, so you know how stupid I am.. Just go, live your own wonderful life. Even I can't see you again, my prayers will always be with you. And thanks.. For everything. Even the word "everything" is too small to describe the things that you and your family have done for me.

I don't know what happened in the real world. Maybe I am the top in her most-hated-people list. I don't know, and I don't care either..

Some people might say that this is a lie, because it doesn't happen in the reality.. But for me, it is no longer a lie if I do believe it.. And this is also one of the reason why the word "stupid" has the same definition as the word "Willson Peter". The dream is the end for me.

My sweetest dream ever.
Later.

I wish my blog could have the application to record sound. I wanna scream out loud randomly, as a sign of freedom and at the same time, being constrained by my very own self.

24hours earlier, I do think that on 18th February 2010 exactly at 6.00 p.m., I could make the largest grin ever on my face and taste the feeling of enjoying that very moment, which is the feeling of being free from another mega fucking test.

The test has caused me to sleep annoyingly for trying to understand and memorized some phrases/articles that can be categorized as one of the few most boring shit in the world. And I got my eyes turned red for the consequence, and I don't even understand or memorized a single word from the articles.

And the test is as sucks as reading the articles.

So here I am now. Again and again, writing on my blog to express my feeling whenever my heart sense a feeling called HATRED. This post is all about hatred.

A day before, I am celebrating my 21st birthday partially. I am not really into this birthday stuff especially when it is me who play the role as the birthday boy (although I am not considered as a boy anymore). But my friends (especially on facebook) and family seems to be so benevolent in wishing me happy birthday. Many thanks to all of you, I really appreciate it.

I wonder, how am I gonna act as a 21 years old guy? Should I wear slacks everytime instead of jeans? Talking with kind of "romantic" voice whenever a word spit out from my mouth? Should I get my hair looked more shiny?

Suddenly, I feel like not being my own self. Coz I never thought about these stupid stuff before.

I better stop before its getting more boring.

Last word, "FUUUUUUUUUUUUCKKK!!!"

This is what I wanna scream out loud.

Later.

After hibernating for quite a long time, finally I started to write again. But actually I don't have any idea what to write about.

If I read someone's else blog which stated the very same meaning or situation, i mean, kinda similar to my blog (which is most of the time the writer will say that he don't know what to write about), I'll call the person "STUPID". And I believe people out there will eject countless word of "STUPID" when they read my blog. I am one of them.

I will be having my debate tomorrow, which supposed to be today, but magically postponed for a day with the reason which I cannot state here.

I am now begin to count my days left in here.. In UiTM Kedah as a Pre-Law student. For sure, I'll miss every moment I spent here without considering the good or bad or super bad or mega sucks time. I'll miss them all.

I've lost interest in many things which I was very excited before. Example, soccer.. I found myself turning into a breathing zombie as time goes on. I should die quickly. Someone please kill me.

I have something in my heart now. And I can't find anyone who I can trust to hear my sickness, my wickedness inside me.

I feel like a robot who is programmed to do everything in his "life". I can't do what I want, even if I really want to and willing to kill for it. Coz if I do so, people around me might get hurt.

I am sick.

Later.