In the previous post, I said that I'll tell you one stories later. And now is seems very unlikely~I'm not in mood for stories now.

Today is suppose to be a fine day, an ordinary day. And I like it that way. Simple. Just enjoy my life, nothing to think about. But last night; the dream. Again, and again, and again.

I was standing in front of the UiTM gate, and waiting for my uncle. Uncle William, my dad's older brother, will pick me up, but I didn't know where are we going next. After a few minutes, I saw my uncle coming. He stopped his jeep in front the gate, and guess what? She was there. Sitting in there, and I can see her crying. My uncle shouted my name, ask me to get inside the jeep quickly.

But I can't move an inch. And I can't say a word. What the hell is she doing there?

My uncle looked like he was in rush for something. And he didn't want to waste more time there, asking me to get into the car. So he started to move, to "the place"~where I supposed to go too.

I know, it was just a dream. I mean, I realized that I was dreaming during that very moment. "I'm dreaming now, just let them go. I won't lost anything; minutes later I will woke up, then enjoy my life as usual. Just let them go"~I told that to myself.

I turned my back to them, and wishing the dream to end quickly. I started to walk away, but.. Yeah, I thought that I can just walk away from there, wait till the dream end, woke up, and go to class like usual. Like nothing ever happened. Like I never had this dream.

But I can't.

Stupidly, I turned to my uncle's jeep which was started to move, and ran as quick as I can. It was moving away, and I know the fact that I can't run faster than a jeep. But I don't care, I just want to talk to her. For the last time, second last, no matter what, it was the only thing I think about that time. I have to, I must talk to her.

Suddenly I become bare footed in the dream (fuck it), and my feet bleed as I stepped on the rock. But I still ran, and ran, and ran. And finally, I managed to get to them. The car stopped, I quickly opened the door, get myself inside, and ask her "why are you crying?". Then she asked me back. " Is it really your question? Why don't you ask my purpose to be here first? Or why don't you greet your uncle first?". And I said "because I need to know why are you crying". She said "you".

Speechless.

Moments later, I just said 1 word~"don't". She closed her eyes, took a deep breath, and said "I need you to be here with me. We'll go to some place. I can't go there without you".

I tried my best, not to let her see my tears come out from my eyes. I smiled, and said "you are strong enough to go there without me.. You don't need me. And I have to go now, I have to wake up from this dream, I want to go to class".

Next, I saw 3 different things happened in a same time. Smiled, laughed, and cried. "So you ran for me, just to tell me this?".

"No.. Like I said just now, I need to know why are you crying".

"Is that so?"

"Yup".

I quit from the car, and walked away from there. I'm smiling, crying, laughing, walking, and smoking at the same time. 5 in 1, and that makes me feel awesome. I laugh out loud, and the dream stopped there.

One thing~people used to say that there is a kind of love which is called unselfish love.

Nope, this is not about unselfish love. This is about letting go. This is about moving forward.

Now I feel better, I just want to unleash this maggot inside me; particularly to "someone" who wouldn't say anything after I told this story.

Later.

I wait for about 25minutes to load this page, and finally I realize that actually I've no idea what to write about. Nothing at all.

I just need to do something right now, instead of smoking 3packs of cigarettes; which is accidentally becoming my habit since the last 1hour+.

Talking about "moving on from the past", making me spend even more time to think about the past. I've decided myself, that I should move on. Forget the past, start a new life. Smile always, be happy. Then after that, what happened? Just one word~sucks.

Huh.. God, what should I do? I'm trying, and you know it. I am trying, the best I can. But still, I can't. I'd try to be good to others, and I'm expecting the same response. But they didn't. I'm pissed off. Really.

So here am I now. Back to the starting point. I've said that I want to forget my past, but I'll never wish to experience it one more time. Maybe I should take a BREAK? I'd think about it many times, and I think that if this situation still continue,then.. It'll left the "BREAK" as the best option I have.

Maybe I should take my time. Alone. Without anyone else bothering me. Just me, and some beers plus cigarettes. And sing my favourite song loudly, screaming.. Smashed some ugly face into monkey's butt, then laugh out loud. I mean, just put everything behind, for some moments. Give some time to myself to be happy and free.

Should I? Maybe.

I'll be having class at10, and most probably the lecturers have to put "0" sign in my attendance sheet. I'm not into anything right now. Except cigarettes. The one who always be with me no matter what.

Suddenly I feel guilty for having an intention to quit smoking. Hahahaha..

I have some interesting stories, but I got to go now. My 2nd wife is calling me.
Later.

I supposed to sleep now.. But I can't. I just can't.

Hours from now, the Muslims will start to fast. And I will be the person with a-must be-accomplished mission; for some of them who don't fast. My years of experience in being together with Muslim friends told me that. Guess you know what.

Well, maybe someone will noticed that I've changed my blog's background. Pretty conspicuous actually; from dark red+black into this bright blue of snowman's happy face. And I also deleted my other blog; which is most of the content is about wanie, my past, the things that I regret, bla bla bla..

And why is that?

I thought for quite a long time. I told myself, "it's time for you to move on. Forget your past; if you failed in the past, you still have the future to be successful. But you'll never success if you keep regretting your past. You'll never do". Quite cool, huh?

For some moment, I think that I've managed to do that. I'm happy with my life now.. I really do. I have a lot of friends.. And the most important is, I have her. The only thing I've lost is the feeling of being stabbed right in the center of my heart, everytime I recall my past memories, or heard the name; wanie. Either of them is killing me, cruelly.

I can't sleep now. I just can't. I'm really tired, my right hand is still not heal perfectly. Plus, unexplainable headache. I fell asleep for minutes, and I dream of wanie. I saw her sitting on a piece of wood, under a big tree. I mean, a very big tree. She wear this black long sleeve t-shirt, which we bought together during I visit their family; Valentine's Day, I think. And moments later, there is a guy come to her, hold her hands and took her away. I can't see her again. I don't know where this feeling come from, but I knew that I'll never see her again.

I opened my eyes, I gasped for air. Then took Haziq's laptop and started to search for her blog. I found it, and read it. One of the thing she said in her previous post is; " I can't wait to go back home. I missed my family, and I want to have my own family too".

Tears come off from my eyes, as I've expected. And at the same time, I smiled. The word for this is~ the snowman. The snowman will always smile, but he is cold. Inside him as cold as his surface; or maybe even colder.

I'm happy for you, wanie. And I'll smile for you.

I know you'll read this blog later.. And if you do, I just want you to know. I'm very happy with my life now. I have a girlfriend, the one that I will love forever. And want you to be happy too. Forgive me for all the thing I've done before.

To Jesus I pray, please give me the strength to keep fighting.

And to you, I'm sorry.. Sorry for not waking you up for this. I just want you to get enough sleep, and I love you so much. Really, I love you.

The snowman~always smile but deep inside him, he is cold and alone.

But, snowman won't last forever.. He will wait for the summer, and the sun will melt him down. He smiled for the sun.

My summer has come.

Homecoming.

25 June 2009, in an ugly evening. I was alone, sitting on the stairs. I was heavily damaged by flu and fever, and that makes me wondered. H1N1? Am I going to die? Seriously, if I were meant to die because of that disease, my soul will never rest in peace. I will die someday, but of course, not because of any type of flu or fever. No one ever should.

On the same day, midnight. I found myself packing some stuff into my ugly bag. Yup, I'm preparing myself to go back to my beloved homeland. The flight will be at 10 a.m., Bayan Lepas International Airport, and I should be ready at least 3hours before the flight. Before that, I managed to copy the full episode of Prison Break ~ from season 1-4. I was overly excited, coz that could be my best "snack" during my holiday, instead of preparing for my sister's wedding.

The flight was sucks and terrible, you should believe me. I was accidentally found myself sitting beside an unknown mid-age Chinese man. The silent type, I guess. And the serious one. Plus, the 90 degree seat was so uncomfortable, forcing me to sit with the feeling of "lack of bonetto". My spine and backbone was hurt by the stupid seat. And that should give you the whole idea about the flight; just in one word. SUCKS.

2+ hours later, I arrived at Kota Kinabalu International Airport. My sister and his boyfriend (will be her husband, officially on 8 Aug 09) were there with some ugly face, even they were trying to smile as sweet as they could. They were too worried about me, and I know they love and care about me. Thanks sis.

From the airport, we heading through the hospital. Luckily, I'm not one of the million people in the world with some Influenza A virus in their lung. The doctor told me that, but I should come on the next day for blood test. I passed the test, successfully.

Days passed, and now I'm here. Still here, actually. Writting my blog. Hehe.. I'll be back to Kedah next week. I miss my friends there. My classmates, my bed. My roommates. And most of that, I miss her.

Next post, I'll try to put some pictures of my sister's wedding day.