eyes open.
unexplainable. full of shit.

eyes closed.
i saw a group of dolls. they are wearing clothes, just like human being. i have a machine gun in my right hand, and a cigarette, marlboro brand in my left hand. i put them in one line, then i shoot their head with my machine gun. continuously, right on their head. until they fly violently apart. i laugh out loud and keep shooting.

i am way too much intoxicated right now. intoxicated with the result from everything that i'm trying to do. overwhelmed is the word.

if there is a single day that allows people to kill, i'll stand up in the front line and wear a "shoot my head, i'll give u cookies" shirt.

i really want to kill someone. someone whose doesn't breath, n doesn't have life. i want to kill the dead. so i can break him apart without feeling guilty.

just something.. i want to do something different. big or small, i don't care. i just want to do something. im depressed.

men are not perfect. they will never do. and you will never been perfect too. but its just you who cannot accept the reality. this is not a wonderland. this is earth. and this earth is full of shit.

eyes open again.
i better find something to kill.

Works..Tests. Assignments, facebook.. Games. Smoke.

I do think that I had a pretty good start in my third sem as a pre-law student. I went to class, chat with my friend.. Do my homework.. And recently, I had my facebook, which I heavily involved with for the past few days. I also somehow find myself as an SPR member.

I am trying to be "okay" with everyone.. Even that the fact, I really want to slap their butt with my broken termos.. Am I turning hypocrite?

I enjoy fooling around with my friends through facebook. But, just for few days. Then I started to feel bored again. Feel like I have an incomplete job that have to be done, and at the same time feel like I have nothing left in here. And at this point, I realize that I should write something in my blog.

I have this strange feeling~that I am gonna die soon.

I know it is stupid, very stupid actually. But I just can let this feeling go away like a blow of fart from fat butt. I feel overwhelmed. Overwhelmed by everything around me.

I used to pray every night before I sleep. I pray for my mum, my dad, my siblings.. And to ALL my friends without considering their color and religion. I also pray for the dead, and for everyone. I mean, everyone in this world. Including my greatest enemy (if I had any). I said this during my pray, "God, bless us with your kindness. Help us in everything, even in the smallest thing we are working in. Give us the strength, so we can always have the opportunity to complete the incomplete job."

But recently, I am no longer praying for the same. I just make the cross sign, and without saying a word, I close my eyes. Speechless.

Yesterday I went out to CS, and I saw a shop that sells many types of decorations for Christmas. I am considering to buy a small Christmas tree for my self, with a Christmas card too. But then I rejected the idea. I don't want to be looked like someone desperate. I mean, buying gift for myself? How sucks could it be.

Last night I cried. Loudly, screaming. But just in my heart, coz I have this some kind of reputation here.. Like someone who are very strong. Someone who will never cry in his life. Someone who can be trusted for everything. And most of my friends will told me something that they would never told to someone else. Their secrets.. Their weakness. Their problem.

And now I am too tired of everything. I can't even help myself..

And here comes the worst part.

Some girls really interested in knowing me. I mean.. Never mind. I'll keep this for myself. But still, this is the worst part.

Mum, I miss you.. I really wish that you can hear me saying this to you. I wanna drive you to the church where you and dad used to bring us to pray when we are still living under the same roof. I want to take you there, and celebrate Christmas together. I really want to, and I am willing to kill for that. But I just can't.. I can't. Sorry.. My mistakes, this is the worst part. Not the previous problem up there. This is the worst-est.

Merry Christmas to everyone.. may God bless all of us.

When I broke up with Wanie 2 years ago, most of my friends told me this:
The perfect time to say goodbye to a girl is when you feel that you can't even live without her. When your feeling reach at that point, then it'll be the perfect time to you to say goodbye to her.

Then I ask them, "And why is that?".

"Because girls always think about living with their Mr. Perfect. That is their most important goal in their life. But they never realize that there are no Mr. Perfect in this world. And they themselves are not even close to become 'Miss Perfect'. So when you are doing that to a girl, it is NOT A WRONG DID. You are helping them actually, helping them to open their eyes and see the world."

And I always replied this to them, "those words are cool, but I don't think that I was made for that. I still love Wanie though, I'll love her for my entire life. Because a real man will always love and protect their beloved, and there are no condition that will excuses him for doing that. I believe Wanie is gonna miss me soon, and she'll contact me. I love her, and I want to marry her."

"Owh.. Come on.. What are you? You sounds like a girl. Girl like that doesn't exist in this world. Move on, bro. You'll get through this."

And I said "no".

I realize that most of human in this world nowadays think like that, no matter he or she. And as a precaution, I only talk about the girl I love with my bestfriend, the cigarettes. I don't wanna beat my friend just because a girl thing.

Time goes by, and it seems like the time itself want me to realize that I am wrong. This is it? Am I wrong? Am I suppose to say goodbye now?

I want to be the Mr.Perfect for you, if that is what is you are seeking for.
I want to love you with my entire heart.
I want to scream as loud as I could, and tell the world that I love you.

But I am not a robot.. I wish I am, if that is a good thing for you.
But I can't.

I am still a man, a man with pride and dignity.
A single word~regret.
If you regret anything about "changing into better person" just because I made a silly mistake.. A mistake that I made because I need you that time, then I'll give you these words. And it is not "fuck you" or "go to hell".

This is the perfect time for you to say goodbye to me.

Cause I am not making you happy, but I am making you regret of your own did. It hurts me millions times more than anything else.

So goodluck, and take care.
Bye.

I figured out that I have problems with my sleep lately, and maybe I should realized that earlier. The things are:
- I become hyper sensitive while sleeping; even a baby lizard's fart could wake me up
- I regained my old habit; sleep during the day, woke up in the night
- Sometimes I can sleep for more than 12hours, and there are times that I didn't sleep a single second

I was so tired last night, and decided to sleep earlier than before. But then after 2hours tasting my 'unenjoyable' sleep, I woke up again, and now here I am, writing in my blog coz there are no other things I can do, as a matter of fact.

Actually I am mad with someone right now, which is the person who woke me up just to ask one stupid question. He is my friend, considering the fact that we are roommates.

I think that whoever in this world that having any kind of relationship will face the very same situation. I mean, sometimes we will be very angry with our friend, but we just can't show it.

During that time (when my friend woke me up), I'm like, "did you woke just me up just to ask me what time is it now? are you retarded? why don't you just go back to the zoo where you belongs to and ask your friends there you freak!" then followed by a rush of kicks to his butt and balls. Well, that was just happened in my mind actually, as I answered his stupid question with "I'm sure it's not 8am". Equally stupid.

By the way, I found a quite interesting trivia about guys in the internet, and I'll put it here. Most of them are absolutely true.. It's amazing. Later.

1) Guys may be flirting around all day, but before they go to sleep, they always think about the girl they truly care about....
.
2) Guys are more emotional than you think, if they loved you at one point, it'll take them a lot longer then you think to let you go, and it hurts every second that they try.
.
3) Guys go crazy over a girl's smile(:
.
4) A guy who likes you wants to be the only guy you talk to.
.
5) Giving a guy a hanging message like "You know what?..uh...nevermind.." would make him jump to a conclusion that is far from what you are thinking. And he'll assume he did something wrong and he'll obsess about it trying to figure it out.
.
6) If a guy tells you about his problems, he just needs someone to listen to him. You don't need to give advice.
.
7) A usual act that proves that the guy likes you is when he teases you.
.
8) GUYS LOVE YOU MORE THAN YOU LOVE THEM!!!
.
9) Guys use words like hot or cute to describe girls. They rarely use beautiful or gorgeous. If a guy uses that, he loves you or likes you a whole heck of a lot.
.
10)If the guy does something stupid in front of the girl, he will think about it for the next couple days or until the next time he spends time with the girl.
.
11)If a guy looks unusually calm and laid back, he's probably faking it and he is really thinking about something
.
12) When a guy says he is going crazy about the girl, he really is
Guys rarely say that
.
13)When a guy asks you to leave him alone, he's just actually saying, "Please come and listen to me"
.
14)If a guy starts to talk seriously, listen to him. It doesn't happen that often, so when it does, you know something's up.
.
15) When a guy looks at you for longer than a second, he's definitely thinking
something.
.
16) Guys really think that girls are strange and have unpredictable decisions and are MAD confusing but somehow are drawn even more to them
.
17)A guy would give the world to be able to read a girl's mind for a day.
.
18)No guy can handle all his problems on his own.
He's just too stubborn to admit it
.
19)NOT ALL GUYS ARE RUDE!!!
Just because ONE is RUDE doesnt mean he represents ALL of them
.
20)WHEN A GUY SACRIFICES HIS SLEEP AND HEALTH JUST TO TALK TO YOU, HE REALLY LIKES YOU AND WANTS TO BE WITH YOU AS MUCH AS POSSIBLE
.
21)Even if you dump a guy months ago and he loved you he probably still does and if he had one wish it would be you to come back into his life

Sit in front of my laptop, writing something on my blog, with a cup of nescafe beside me ~ That is the situation which I always dream about whenever the word " super-boring-situation" struck my head. However, the stupid wireless connection always denied it completely, but not for now. Not for this time.

There are so many "interesting" (replace this word with "stupid" if you want) things happened lately, and all I can remember is listed below:

- I bought a new laptop
- We already finished our 2nd sem as pre-law student
- Final exam = a bit shitty, but still ok (except for library, I don't have enough time to answer it. I was screwed up)
- I'll not going home until next sem break
- My deodorant was stolen by some retarded monkey
- I don't watch porn (put "anymore" at the end if that makes more sense to you)
- I got a weird present. It is yellow+black+white. And it is shaking all the time. Guess what?
- Chelsea sucks. Liverpool? Hyper-sucks

Hahahaha.... I waiting so long for this moment~to write something on my blog. But when the moment come (which is now) I am totally run out of idea. Embarassing. Uh.. Next time, I'll write more.

Ohya, by the way.. I choose the title "beautiful sugar" because I just realize that sugar looked so beautiful if you put them on your hand. It's amazing.


Later.

In the previous post, I said that I'll tell you one stories later. And now is seems very unlikely~I'm not in mood for stories now.

Today is suppose to be a fine day, an ordinary day. And I like it that way. Simple. Just enjoy my life, nothing to think about. But last night; the dream. Again, and again, and again.

I was standing in front of the UiTM gate, and waiting for my uncle. Uncle William, my dad's older brother, will pick me up, but I didn't know where are we going next. After a few minutes, I saw my uncle coming. He stopped his jeep in front the gate, and guess what? She was there. Sitting in there, and I can see her crying. My uncle shouted my name, ask me to get inside the jeep quickly.

But I can't move an inch. And I can't say a word. What the hell is she doing there?

My uncle looked like he was in rush for something. And he didn't want to waste more time there, asking me to get into the car. So he started to move, to "the place"~where I supposed to go too.

I know, it was just a dream. I mean, I realized that I was dreaming during that very moment. "I'm dreaming now, just let them go. I won't lost anything; minutes later I will woke up, then enjoy my life as usual. Just let them go"~I told that to myself.

I turned my back to them, and wishing the dream to end quickly. I started to walk away, but.. Yeah, I thought that I can just walk away from there, wait till the dream end, woke up, and go to class like usual. Like nothing ever happened. Like I never had this dream.

But I can't.

Stupidly, I turned to my uncle's jeep which was started to move, and ran as quick as I can. It was moving away, and I know the fact that I can't run faster than a jeep. But I don't care, I just want to talk to her. For the last time, second last, no matter what, it was the only thing I think about that time. I have to, I must talk to her.

Suddenly I become bare footed in the dream (fuck it), and my feet bleed as I stepped on the rock. But I still ran, and ran, and ran. And finally, I managed to get to them. The car stopped, I quickly opened the door, get myself inside, and ask her "why are you crying?". Then she asked me back. " Is it really your question? Why don't you ask my purpose to be here first? Or why don't you greet your uncle first?". And I said "because I need to know why are you crying". She said "you".

Speechless.

Moments later, I just said 1 word~"don't". She closed her eyes, took a deep breath, and said "I need you to be here with me. We'll go to some place. I can't go there without you".

I tried my best, not to let her see my tears come out from my eyes. I smiled, and said "you are strong enough to go there without me.. You don't need me. And I have to go now, I have to wake up from this dream, I want to go to class".

Next, I saw 3 different things happened in a same time. Smiled, laughed, and cried. "So you ran for me, just to tell me this?".

"No.. Like I said just now, I need to know why are you crying".

"Is that so?"

"Yup".

I quit from the car, and walked away from there. I'm smiling, crying, laughing, walking, and smoking at the same time. 5 in 1, and that makes me feel awesome. I laugh out loud, and the dream stopped there.

One thing~people used to say that there is a kind of love which is called unselfish love.

Nope, this is not about unselfish love. This is about letting go. This is about moving forward.

Now I feel better, I just want to unleash this maggot inside me; particularly to "someone" who wouldn't say anything after I told this story.

Later.

I wait for about 25minutes to load this page, and finally I realize that actually I've no idea what to write about. Nothing at all.

I just need to do something right now, instead of smoking 3packs of cigarettes; which is accidentally becoming my habit since the last 1hour+.

Talking about "moving on from the past", making me spend even more time to think about the past. I've decided myself, that I should move on. Forget the past, start a new life. Smile always, be happy. Then after that, what happened? Just one word~sucks.

Huh.. God, what should I do? I'm trying, and you know it. I am trying, the best I can. But still, I can't. I'd try to be good to others, and I'm expecting the same response. But they didn't. I'm pissed off. Really.

So here am I now. Back to the starting point. I've said that I want to forget my past, but I'll never wish to experience it one more time. Maybe I should take a BREAK? I'd think about it many times, and I think that if this situation still continue,then.. It'll left the "BREAK" as the best option I have.

Maybe I should take my time. Alone. Without anyone else bothering me. Just me, and some beers plus cigarettes. And sing my favourite song loudly, screaming.. Smashed some ugly face into monkey's butt, then laugh out loud. I mean, just put everything behind, for some moments. Give some time to myself to be happy and free.

Should I? Maybe.

I'll be having class at10, and most probably the lecturers have to put "0" sign in my attendance sheet. I'm not into anything right now. Except cigarettes. The one who always be with me no matter what.

Suddenly I feel guilty for having an intention to quit smoking. Hahahaha..

I have some interesting stories, but I got to go now. My 2nd wife is calling me.
Later.

I supposed to sleep now.. But I can't. I just can't.

Hours from now, the Muslims will start to fast. And I will be the person with a-must be-accomplished mission; for some of them who don't fast. My years of experience in being together with Muslim friends told me that. Guess you know what.

Well, maybe someone will noticed that I've changed my blog's background. Pretty conspicuous actually; from dark red+black into this bright blue of snowman's happy face. And I also deleted my other blog; which is most of the content is about wanie, my past, the things that I regret, bla bla bla..

And why is that?

I thought for quite a long time. I told myself, "it's time for you to move on. Forget your past; if you failed in the past, you still have the future to be successful. But you'll never success if you keep regretting your past. You'll never do". Quite cool, huh?

For some moment, I think that I've managed to do that. I'm happy with my life now.. I really do. I have a lot of friends.. And the most important is, I have her. The only thing I've lost is the feeling of being stabbed right in the center of my heart, everytime I recall my past memories, or heard the name; wanie. Either of them is killing me, cruelly.

I can't sleep now. I just can't. I'm really tired, my right hand is still not heal perfectly. Plus, unexplainable headache. I fell asleep for minutes, and I dream of wanie. I saw her sitting on a piece of wood, under a big tree. I mean, a very big tree. She wear this black long sleeve t-shirt, which we bought together during I visit their family; Valentine's Day, I think. And moments later, there is a guy come to her, hold her hands and took her away. I can't see her again. I don't know where this feeling come from, but I knew that I'll never see her again.

I opened my eyes, I gasped for air. Then took Haziq's laptop and started to search for her blog. I found it, and read it. One of the thing she said in her previous post is; " I can't wait to go back home. I missed my family, and I want to have my own family too".

Tears come off from my eyes, as I've expected. And at the same time, I smiled. The word for this is~ the snowman. The snowman will always smile, but he is cold. Inside him as cold as his surface; or maybe even colder.

I'm happy for you, wanie. And I'll smile for you.

I know you'll read this blog later.. And if you do, I just want you to know. I'm very happy with my life now. I have a girlfriend, the one that I will love forever. And want you to be happy too. Forgive me for all the thing I've done before.

To Jesus I pray, please give me the strength to keep fighting.

And to you, I'm sorry.. Sorry for not waking you up for this. I just want you to get enough sleep, and I love you so much. Really, I love you.

The snowman~always smile but deep inside him, he is cold and alone.

But, snowman won't last forever.. He will wait for the summer, and the sun will melt him down. He smiled for the sun.

My summer has come.

Homecoming.

25 June 2009, in an ugly evening. I was alone, sitting on the stairs. I was heavily damaged by flu and fever, and that makes me wondered. H1N1? Am I going to die? Seriously, if I were meant to die because of that disease, my soul will never rest in peace. I will die someday, but of course, not because of any type of flu or fever. No one ever should.

On the same day, midnight. I found myself packing some stuff into my ugly bag. Yup, I'm preparing myself to go back to my beloved homeland. The flight will be at 10 a.m., Bayan Lepas International Airport, and I should be ready at least 3hours before the flight. Before that, I managed to copy the full episode of Prison Break ~ from season 1-4. I was overly excited, coz that could be my best "snack" during my holiday, instead of preparing for my sister's wedding.

The flight was sucks and terrible, you should believe me. I was accidentally found myself sitting beside an unknown mid-age Chinese man. The silent type, I guess. And the serious one. Plus, the 90 degree seat was so uncomfortable, forcing me to sit with the feeling of "lack of bonetto". My spine and backbone was hurt by the stupid seat. And that should give you the whole idea about the flight; just in one word. SUCKS.

2+ hours later, I arrived at Kota Kinabalu International Airport. My sister and his boyfriend (will be her husband, officially on 8 Aug 09) were there with some ugly face, even they were trying to smile as sweet as they could. They were too worried about me, and I know they love and care about me. Thanks sis.

From the airport, we heading through the hospital. Luckily, I'm not one of the million people in the world with some Influenza A virus in their lung. The doctor told me that, but I should come on the next day for blood test. I passed the test, successfully.

Days passed, and now I'm here. Still here, actually. Writting my blog. Hehe.. I'll be back to Kedah next week. I miss my friends there. My classmates, my bed. My roommates. And most of that, I miss her.

Next post, I'll try to put some pictures of my sister's wedding day.

Sleep, went to class, computer games, fooling around, eat, cigarettes, football, SMS, closed my eyes..

Then I opened my eyes. Shocked, I just realized that I've been away from my home land of Sabah for about 177 days. I'm in part II of Pre Law now. I enjoyed most of my days here, and I realized that some of my friends had changed since the 1st day I met them. One changed into Mr.Winston 24hours, one changed into Mr.Smile-Even-When-You-Sleep, one into Mr.Poyo, and some are still the same.

Same, as sucks as ever. I prefer to call them Mr&Mrs. Fuck Face. I always wonder.. Why? They never went to my home land, and I've been to theirs. But yet their face are keep saying these words " people of Sabah are uncivilized. We are much better. Plus, they spoke Malay 'weirdly'. So, they are weirdo. " And theres one night that I almost turn into wolverine and broke one of these Mr&Mrs. Fuck Face's back bone. Since they are more likely a bunch of red-butt-monkey, I'll not use "he" or "she", but I'll use "it". So, this monkey said " All people of Sabah and Sarawak are infidel ".

Did your parents thought you that? Guess what? During that very moment, I just thinking about one thing~ What's the best way to mute this monkey? Kick it's face, or put my fist into it's butt? Slapping it's face with my 177days unwashed stokin maybe will be the better idea?

But I choose to keep quite. I pray to Jesus, please give me the strenght to block my ears from hearing these words of deep shit. I don't want to get expelled just because of this monkey.. I have to achieve something here, something useful for my future, and I want to concentrate my study.. That's why I'm here.

My mouth shut, and didn't give any response to the monkey. But my head was not as quite as my mouth..

I read news. I know about the latest transfer in football. I know about Manchester United, Federer, and the horoscope. And I also know about the unity of this country that became worsen.

How it'll get better if this situation continue? Are these monkeys never met any people from Borneo before, or heard anything about Borneo before? Or is this because they think that they are the only race that exist in this world?

I've learned about them in my critical thinking subject. STEREOTYPING. they are stereotyping. Just now I went to wakaf in front of the library with my future wife. Then I heard voices from the part I student who passing by. They said "apa" with Sabahan dialect, and laugh out loud. I heard them, and laugh myself. Pity.. Pathetic. I think this is the 1st time they ever know the other way to prnounce words in Malay.

Hey mega fucking stupid girls, look. Do you ever watch P. Ramlee movie? How did they pronounce the word a-p-a? Did they replace the "a" at the end with "e"? 1 more simple question. Did you ever look official debate, or news in TV? How did the debator, or the reporter pronounce their Malay language?

So what are you laughing at? Maybe you laugh because you think that the Sabahan and Sarawakian's speaking "weirdly". But hey, you are actually laughing at yourself. You are actually saying "stupid, sucks, silly, asshole, pathetic, and retarded" to yourself happily and loudly.

Before some of you get confused, let me tell you this. I'm not saying that Sabahan and Sarawakian speaking the right Malay, while the others are not. I'm not trying to say that. For me, that is what we called 'dialect' or 'slang'. That's why we are unique. Kelantanese have their own dialect, same with the people of Terengganu, Kedah, and so on. Then why the Sabahan and Sarawakian can't speak their own dialect? Why must you laugh at us?

I'll try to sleep earlier tonight, and dream of Albert Einstein. Then I'll ask him about the question. But somehow, I think that I can answer it by myself.

Why must you laugh at us? To those who did, the answer is simply because you are retarded. Plus, this kind of people are actually only "half people".. Half of them are made by shit.
Deep-monkey- shit from retarded+syndrom downed+horny goat's asshole.

If one of those buch of monkeys read this post, and find itself mad of me.. Then next time you should learn to respect other people. Coz maybe I'm not gonna spare you if you repeat it again.

So, there it is. 1st post of the new blog.. My new blog. Its been a quite long time since I was thinking about this, but procrastinating makes its existance postponed. Why? I think that my 1st blog was too emotional, and filled up wit my stupid stories abot my 'previous age'. So i wish to put an end to it, create a new one. Not to forget it, but finally I realized that people have to move on. I have to move on, move away from keep regreting the past.

I read books. 1st week of a new sem is usually the best~no study, just go to the class and farting around. So i filled my leisure time by reading books. So far I just managed to read one~the best one. The Alchemist by Paulo Coelho. I'm not to say a word about it.. But I'll say two words ~ the best.

I read news too. Knowing that Ronaldo got transfered to Real is absolute sucks. Never mind, 10 Ronaldo equal to 1 Rooney. As long as Man Utd have Rooney, then it means that they have 10 Ronaldo in the squad. I heard the rumours~Valencia, Ribery, Benzema are all moving to Man Utd. But personally, I think the rumours are rubbish. If I am the manager of Man Utd, I'll never waste any time to get Lavezzi's signature.

Oh, before I forgot.. I was thinking about writing this blog in mix. Malay+English..

So.. That's it.